Learn to say “no” for life and for FIRE (financial independence retire early)…
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| Kaminski House Museum, Georgetown, SC |
Steve Jobs: “Focusing is about saying no.”
Now that I’ve lived through half a century, there are some truisms that I’ve learned through my personal experiences. One such thing is the ability to say “no”. Saying “no” seems so easy, yet for many people, this is just not the case.
Growing up, there are plenty of circumstances that call for the “no”. For example, your friends from school want you to try drugs, but you don’t want to, or your friends dare you to bully someone they don’t like, but you don’t want to.
As we get older and have to work with others in a work environment, plenty of opportunities will present itself for you to say “no”. Such examples are when your colleague asks you to do his work, but you’re mobbed as well, or your colleague tries to take advantage of you by asking you to lie, so he won’t get into trouble.
I do want to clarify when you should say “no” and when not to say “no”. Generally speaking, when your boss asks you to do something related to work, then you shouldn’t say no. For example, your boss asks you to work extra two hours to cover for a colleague who had to go to a hospital, and you’re able to. If you refuse, you may end up as the odd man out when it comes time for company to downsize.
When your loved one ask for a favor that is doable, then you shouldn’t say no. For example, your spouse asks you if you can pick up her parents living in another state to bring them to your place, and you have no issues with it. Otherwise, you’re going to have a fight on your hands!
When your friend asks for help or favors and they’re deemed normal/doable, then you shouldn’t say no. For example, your friend needs a ride to summer school, and you drive but he doesn’t, then you probably shouldn’t say no.
The time you say “no” should be because of one or more of these things: you can’t, you deem it wrong, it’s not legal, it’s not ethical, it doesn’t pass your bullshit meter, and/or it’s just not right.
The example I gave about a colleague who asked me to lie, is actually a true story. A colleague who worked in the marketing department asked me to lie and say the reason she missed her deadline to submit a proposal, was due to a problem with the IT department! This was not true, so I called her out on it. I stood my ground and said flat out, loud as it can be, “NO!”
There are times when you have to stand your ground for what you believe in, otherwise, too many people will take advantage of you. It’s important to know (and feel) deep in your gut, what is right from wrong. Your justice scale is hopefully honed enough by the time you become adults, that you can judge someone’s intentions correctly.
For me, I judge a person based on these very important criteria:
- How does this person treat his equals but more importantly, his subordinates?
If the person treats someone who’s waiting tables or cleaning hotel rooms, badly, then I don’t want to hang out with him. If the person talks about or treats badly his equals/subordinates, then I don’t want to hang out with him.
We can tell a lot about a person from their interactions with other people. This is especially true when that person deals with subordinates. Whether someone has good or bad manners is one thing, but when someone looks down on a person because of his job/status/etc., then chances are good that you really don’t want to spend time with this person that much…
2. Is this person nice?
This is similar to #1, but this is more of a feel thing after you’ve spent time with the person and had conversations. For example, if a person talks mostly about himself (and you didn’t ask), or brags constantly, then you should stay away. If a person speaks badly about other people and you just met, then you should stay away. If a person tries to forcefully change your mind about something and you just met, then same rule applies…
Talking to someone reveals much about the person. Whether that person knows it or not, how they talk, who they talk about, and how they think about someone or something, can tell us much about the person.
3. How does this person treat small/helpless/powerless animals?
It’s important to me to know someone treats animals the right way, without abusing them, or hurting them. Since humans are so much bigger than typical household animals like dogs, cats, birds, etc., it’s just wrong for humans to maltreat them.
Like the famous saying goes from Spider Man, “Remember, with great power comes great responsibility…”, it’s always important to not abuse the power we have over smaller/less powerful beings.
Life to me is too short to spend time with people who doesn’t fit this criteria. I would rather spend my time at home by myself, then to spend even 5 minutes with someone who’s not nice to others.
When you get to be my age, you realize what’s important to you and what’s not. When I was younger, I thought I needed to get along with everyone and be agreeable. When I was just starting out at work, I thought I had to network with people I didn’t even like, to land my next job.
Now I know better. Networking didn’t land a job in a new career when I was fired from my car sales job, and getting along with everyone didn’t equal having 100 close friends. All these realizations come only with experience through meeting different people. It’s only by getting used by people, getting burnt by people, that you’ll figure out who your friends are, and who you should stay away from…
Here are my thoughts and recommendations on saying “no” for life and for FIRE:
- You don’t need to be agreeable
This day and age, being agreeable means you’ll suffer. You’ll be asked to do things for people and you won’t turn them down. You’ll be exhausted trying to help when you already have plenty of things to take care of.
When I was 9 years old, I was the only kid in my grade school (and junior high school) that spoke both Korean and English. Because of that, every Korean kid who had immigrated to the US then and went to my school, came to me for help.
I got called in to the administration office at school to translate for school enrollment, and this was just the beginning. I was also asked by kid’s parents to tutor them (I did get paid), and I was asked by their parents to do all kinds of things: calling utility companies to set up/troubleshoot accounts, calling immigration office, calling car dealerships, and going to different places to translate as needed.
Because all these kids were my friends, I didn’t mind at first. But eventually, it wore me out and I was exhausted. By the time I was in the 6th grade, there were probably 5-6 friends (and their parents) that needed my help. At that age, I couldn’t say no, but I realized I didn’t like the fact that I was doing all this work that I didn’t like…
The moral of the story is this: Do what you can, if you want to. To do something for everyone will burn you out! Know yourself and know your limitations…
- Peer pressure is your first real test as a human being…
When you’re in your teens, the need to fit in, is something we all can relate to. We want to be liked by our peers, and we want to do what we can to fit in.
This peer pressure is especially dangerous as teens start experimenting with things. Things like drugs and gangs were what I had to deal with. I had multiple opportunities to try dangerous drugs or hang out with gangs, but I didn’t. I just knew even at that age, that it wasn’t for me.
Saying “no” in those situations was the best thing to do. Friends are really important, but they’re not important enough for you to throw away your life…
- Work environment requires the ability to say “no”
When working for a paycheck, there will be times when you will need to say “no”. There will be many coworkers who will try to take advantage of you. From taking over their shift, to working on their projects, if you don’t say no, the situation will get out of hand real fast.
Unfortunately, there is no shortage of people out there who will try to take advantage of you. It’s your job to figure out what you can do, and to know your limitations. It’s ok to help a nice coworker who helps you out, but you can’t, nor should you, help out EVERYONE every time.
Trying to help everyone reminds me of the famous Greek hero Atlas, who had to support the pillars that held heaven and earth for eternity. Don’t be that Greek hero, just be yourself. If you love helping out everyone, then that’s one thing, but if you don’t, then don’t pretend. Always be true to yourself.
- Achieving financial independence requires saying no even more…
To save money to invest (and to budget) requires tons of discipline and even more intestinal fortitude to stay the course. There will be plenty of times when you’ll need to say no when accumulating wealth.
If your friends ask you to go to an expensive concert every month that costs $100 (and up), you need to learn to say no. If your friends ask you if you want to go eat out at an expensive steakhouse for the second time in a week, then you need to say no.
It was hard not to take vacations like everyone else when we were accumulating wealth. It was hard not to treat ourselves at expensive restaurants when we were stressed out. There will be many times in life where you’ll make up a reason to spend. Stress will do that, feeling left out will do that, or the sense of entitlement will do that.
Discipline is not easy. If it was, everyone would be much better off physically, emotionally and financially. Having discipline means you go through with your goals, not swayed by temptations, and stay the course.
Discipline will eventually equal financial independence if you do the basics like budgeting, investing, then repeating the process.
- Be true to yourself
If one of the goals in life is discovering who you are, then you need to figure out what you like, vs what you don’t like. The quicker you figure this out, the better it will be.
If you find out that you’re not actually an extrovert, then be your introverted self. By pretending to be someone else, you’re just fooling yourself. True happiness lies in knowing, but more importantly embracing who you are.
You don’t need 100 Facebook friends, but rather 2-3 great friends, who you have deep connections with. You don’t need to network if that’s not who you are, just because you’re told it’s the right thing to do for your career.
In my case, having few close relationships helped me out when I needed to find a new job. My ex-manager, Mike, at the Acura dealership, became a great reference that helped to land another job in the same industry. I didn’t need 100 people to do that…
In conclusion:
As a human being, the ability to say “no” is an essential part of being happy. Without saying no, you will be burnt by people and you will be burnt out. Don’t be agreeable just to fit in, and be liked by everyone. Instead, be yourself and embrace that.
Finding out who you are starts with figuring out what makes you tick, and what you like or dislike. Hone your skills to correctly judge people and situations. The more you meet people and more you practice, the better you’ll be at doing that.
Saying no, ultimately, is there for you to focus your energy on your goals. Like Steve Jobs’ quote, your focus should be unwavering to achieve your goals, whether that’s financial or life goals.
Thank you all for reading!
Jake
Wandering Money Pig
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