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| Niagara Falls State Park, NY |
Bruce Lee: “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
I’ve lived close to half a century. In that time, I’ve come to a certain realization that there are too many people living with great expectations (expectations put on themselves or by others) that are not met, living with anger, depression, animosity, and eventually leading to ruin.
I’ve seen this up close. When I was growing up, I knew a nice lady on the 4th floor of our apartment building. She had a daughter and a son. She was widowed when she just had her youngest, and had been raising her kids since her husband’s untimely death.
No one can dispute the hardships she had to endure to raise her two kids.
The problem started when she started to expect great things from her kids after they grew up. I remember when her kids made mistakes, she made sure she punished them by having them kneel and beg for forgiveness.
It made sense when they were younger, but it didn’t make sense when they became adults. She still expected this to continue but the kids had other ideas. They no longer wanted to live the way they’ve always lived.
She had her first stroke when she realized her kids no longer obeyed her. I’m sure she felt betrayed by her kids who no longer wanted to do as she wanted. She had sacrificed all these years without her husband, and she expected more, much more…
She wanted her kids to obey her commands/wishes, take care of her now that her kids were adults, and be treated like a queen.
I never knew she was an angry person until she had her first stroke. She yelled at everybody. Her kids, her grandkids, my mom (who was close to her), and anyone who didn’t agree with her.
She didn’t appreciate the fact that she was in a nursing home and not in her apartment, taken care of by her kids. She made her feelings known in these rage filled scream fests…
I saw first hand what high expectations does to someone as nice as that 4th floor lady…
Trying to live up to high expectations is the topic I’d like to discuss in this post.
High expectations are fine for those few who are super ambitious and are constantly on the go. These individuals are ones that go to the best schools, get the best degrees, get high paying careers, buy big houses, buy plenty of toys, and have good retirement plans set up.
They probably couldn’t live any other way. I know individuals just like these among my friends/acquaintances. They check off all these requisites handily. They are high net worth individuals and they’re constantly striving to do better.
I’m not one of these individuals. I like my life as easy as it can be, especially after my early retirement. I was never one to go to prep schools to get good grades, to get into the best schools. Nor was I someone who was super ambitious, to want to constantly hustle for more.
If you fall into the latter category (like me), then you’re not alone.
Personality plays a role in how you perceive high expectations. For those individuals who are super ambitious, they cherish the high expectations.
For the rest of us, high expectations can be a debilitating obstacle to a happy life.
What are some examples of high expectations?
- Parents’ high expectations
Parents wanting their kids to get into the best schools to become doctors, lawyers, etc.
There are two motives behind this push: 1) They want to show off their kids to others, and 2) They want something in return for all the years they sacrificed to get them into the best schools, best careers, etc.
- Your high expectations of yourself to lead the best life, whatever that life is that you perceive it to be
You expect only the best life possible. This may equal the best school, the best career, the best spouse, the best house, the best toys, the best vacations, the best retirement, etc.
- Your friends’ high expectations of you to lead the best life
Peer pressure is a pain when you were in your teens, but it never actually goes away. Among your friends, this pressure is always there, although in a very subtle way.
You can feel it when you’re talking about careers, money matters, and/or material possessions among your friends. Each friend has certain expectations of you living a certain lifestyle.
What do all of these examples have in common?
If you’re not one of those individuals who are super ambitious to begin with, then you will most likely have a miserable time trying to meet all these expectations set by you and by others.
When I was attending school, I often heard about high suicide rates among Asian students in good schools. Many times, the reason for them taking their lives is because they couldn’t possibly live up to their (and oftentimes, their parents’) high expectations.
Whether that’s because they couldn’t get the type of grades they were used to getting in high school, or they couldn’t take the pressure coming from their parents to always excel, it doesn’t change the fact they took their own lives…
In this age of social media where everyone seems to be having a better life than you, this need to fit in to to live like all these ‘happy’, high achieving people, is often a recipe for disaster.
These are my advice for living a happier life, unencumbered by unrealistic expectations:
Don’ts
- Don’t try to live like others.
It’s hard enough living your life without emulating others on social media. Do you really think everyone on social media is really that happy?!?
Finding yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, what you’re good at and figuring out something that’s unique about you, is the key to finding happiness.
Everyone is good at something and everyone is unique. You just need to find that so you can be comfortable within yourself.
- Don’t try to live other’s definition of a good life.
Parents mean well when they want their kids to succeed. It’s another thing when they want you to do specific things (be a doctor, lawyer, or fill in the blank) to fill their void in their lives. Maybe they wanted to be doctors or lawyers but they couldn’t. This is their way of living the lives they wanted through you…
Don’t let your parents dictate how you should live your life! Don’t let them try to live their lives through you!
- Don’t think success is only measured by how much money you make, how big of a house you have, or how many friends you have on social media
As good as making more money or having a big house is, at the end of the day, what matters is how happy you are with who you are. You can have all these things and still be unhappy.
Find the thing that matter to you, whether that’s having good relationships, doing something you enjoy, and/or having a purpose. You just need to find that ‘it’.
Now, that ‘it’ may be elusive when you’re young. This is why you need to have new experiences, get introduced to new ideas, read books, and travel so you can figure out what you like and what you don’t like.
We’re all unique and we all have something to give to this world. Find that, and you’ll find happiness.
Do’s
Trying to live according to your parents’ expectations or your perceived (expected) notion of a good life, will lead you down a path of unhappiness.
Don’t try to be a doctor because that’s what your parents want you to be. Do it because you want to.
- Find something that makes you happy
Find a good balance. When looking for a career, do something you’ll enjoy or at least something you can live with. If you hate being a doctor or lawyer, you’ll end up quitting when you realize it’s not what you want…
For living a happy life, find something that gives you a meaning, a purpose. Material things may give you an instant gratification, but none of these feelings last.
Things that last are immaterial things like relationships, purpose, charity, for example.
- Establish early on what you can and cannot do in any relationship
Even when dealing with your parents, you must set a boundary so everyone understands that boundary as early as possible. If you can’t take care of your parents when they’re unable to take care of themselves, then you should discuss nursing homes.
It’s not good for both parties when your parents think you’ll take care of them, but you can’t. (See example above for the 4th floor lady…)
In any relationship (life or in work), same rules apply. Set a boundary early on. If a colleague at work constantly asks you to do something for him, and you don’t want to (or don’t think it’s right) then you’re being taken advantage of.
If your significant other tries to take advantage of you by asking you to do something constantly (and you don’t want to, or think it’s not right), then you should talk…
In conclusion:
Life is hard enough when you try to live your own life. Life is so much harder when you try to live up to expectations set by others.
Whatever expectations you have set for yourself should be realistic as well. Don’t expect you’ll live like a celebrity when you’re not. Don’t expect to live like a jet setting trendsetter when you’re not.
Great expectations are fine for few those high achievers and the super ambitious. For the majority of us however, set realistic expectations of your life.
There’s no sense in setting an unrealistic/lofty expectations that you can’t meet, for when it’s not met, you’re setting yourself up for failure…
Thank you all for reading!
Jake
Wandering Money Pig
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